The wind roared in my ears as I plummeted toward the street from the skyscraper’s seventieth floor. It sounded like adventure, action, excitement—and was almost completely drowned out by Ethan’s shrill, girly scream.

 

As we fell, I turned to study the maiam. It was easily the biggest I had ever faced, close to sixty feet long and thirty feet wide. It had a big, round torso, stubby arms and legs, and a face that was ninety percent mouth, nine percent bulbous nose, and one percent black, beady eyes. And, like all maiams, it was as vibrantly colorful as a penguin on an old timey television. Despite its size, it hovered over the street like a gigantic balloon, periodically bobbing up and down to try and snatch a victim. Luckily, the crowd below panicked and scattered, moving too quickly for it to catch them with its big, fat sausage fingers. Still, it was only a matter of time before some poor sap didn’t manage to get out of the way in time.

 

Already, my mind was racing, formulating a dozen different ways that we could take this monster—

 

“WE’RE GONNA DIIIIEEEEE!” Ethan shrieked, derailing my train of thought into a metaphorical volcano.

 

“Thanks a lot,” I snapped, turning to glare at him. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to think when I’m falling at a hundred miles per hour?”

 

I don’t think he heard me over the sound of his own shrieking. I rolled my eyes. Had he even bothered to look down?

 

Half a second later, we landed on something big, soft, and rubbery. Sinking down into it a bit, we were abruptly shot a few feet back up into the air before coming down a second time and bouncing gently to a stop on Rich Pinch, the World’s Richest Lobster’s forehead.

 

“We- We- We- We…” Ethan stammered. I took a closer look at him. Was it just me, or had the white streak Con put in his hair grown a couple inches? “We’re alive?”

 

About fifty feet away, the balloon maiam froze. It raised its nose to the air, sniffing for something—and then its eyes zeroed in on Ethan and the massive stockpile of laughter he had inside him.

 

“For now,” I said, bouncing to my feet with Splatsy in my hands. “Try to stay that way for a while longer, okay?”

 

I jumped, Rich Pinch bouncing me higher and higher every time I came down. It was like being in a bounce house, except there was no roof, and we were about fifty feet in the air. Finally, I charged my shoes with magic and launched myself off of Rich Pinch, flying towards the maiam at roughly the speed of light. I raised Splatsy, ready to rain on this maiam’s parade.

 

I swung, hitting the maiam square between the eyes—and Splatsy bounced right off of it, sending me flying back the way I’d come. I hit Rich Pinch’s crown, which rebounded me down onto his forehead beside Ethan.

 

“What did you think was going to happen?” he demanded.

 

A flash of green light marked Jade’s arrival. “You don’t pop balloons with blunt objects, Henry.”

 

“Obviously,” I snapped, scrambling back to my feet. “But my first strike has to be with Splatsy. It’s an ancient Hunter tradition, so could you maybe get off my back about it?”

 

Ethan rolled his eyes, and I considered starting another ancient tradition of braining sarcastic dweebs when they don’t show Hunters the proper respect.

 

“Anyway, this is good,” I said as the maiam began to drift closer. “This means I finally get to try out my new toys!”

 

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Jade asked, taking a wary step back.

 

“Nope!”

 

Shrinking Splatsy down and hanging her from my belt, I took a quick puff from my inhaler to top off my laughter, and then boinged off of Rich Pinch again. This time as I was flying through the air, I drew the two Prankles cans that I had holstered on my hips. They were a pair of cardboard tubes, each ten inches long, but instead of being filled with deliciously unhealthy potato chips, they had a surprise waiting inside.

 

I charged them with magic, pointing them at the maiam, and then released. A pair of glowing blue spring-snakes blasted out of them. The burst sent me flying backwards again, but the snakes streaked across the sky to hit the maiam right in its ugly face, where they exploded into blue light.

 

The maiam roared in pain, reaching for its face, but its stubby arms weren’t long enough. A pair of bright red burns marred the skin on its forehead, making for the only splashes of color anywhere on its body. It turned to me with a betrayed look in its eyes, clearly wondering why I was doing this when all it wanted to do was kill and eat as many innocent people’s laughter as it could. With another cry, it began to float upwards where I couldn’t reach it.

 

Or so it thought.

 

Holstering the Prankles cans again—I’d named them Prinkle and Prunkle—I drew the second new addition to my arsenal: a giant sticky hand. It was just like the kind you could buy with tickets at an arcade, except about a hundred times bigger, and a thousand times more awesome. I twirled it above my head a couple times, and then let it fly. The gooey, rubber rope shot down the street, right over Rich Pinch’s head, and grabbed hold of the side of a building. I felt the line go taut, and was yanked after it at a blinding speed.

 

I grabbed Ethan off of Rich Pinch as I sped past.

 

“Are you trying to give me whiplash?” he demanded.

 

“There are so many easier ways I could kill you than that!” I answered. “Ready for some action?”

 

Ethan drew his crystal spellhammer, and I grinned.

 

“Hold on, then!” I told him. A quick tug unstuck the sticky hand—his name was Globber—and back onto my belt he went. We were right underneath the maiam now, so I drew Prinkle and Prunkle again. I had six more spring-snakes to load them with, but for now I left them empty. Pointing them toward the ground, I filled them with magic, and released. Nothing came out of them except a flash of blue light, but the force of the blast sent me and Ethan shooting upwards.

 

“Twentieth floor,” I said as we flew past the maiam. It gave us a surprised look. “Ladies’ wear, sporting goods, and butt kicking!”

 

I spun in midair, throwing Ethan onto the maiam’s back. Just like when we'd landed on Rich Pinch, Ethan bounced a few times before landing with all the grace of a goldfish having a seizure. There was another flash of green light, and Jade reappeared to help him to his feet. Meanwhile, the momentum from my blast finally ran out, and I began to fall again. Throwing Globber, I globbed him onto the side of a nearby building. His rope stretched as I fell, and I gradually came to a stop before shooting back up again like a rocket-powered bungee jumper. Globber un-globbed from the building, and I angled myself to land next to Ethan.

 

“What do we do now?” Ethan asked as I touched down on the maiam’s back with a landing that an Olympic gymnast would have envied—before I bounced into the air again, flew in an arc over Ethan's head, and landed on my butt a few feet away.

 

The maiam roared, trying to crane its neck around to see what the chicken fried rice we were doing back there. When it couldn't twist around far enough to see us, it opted to roll over instead.

 

“We run!” Jade yelled as the gargantuan gasbag started rotating in midair.

 

Together, the three of us broke into a sprint, heading for the maiam's side as quickly as we could. But its body was smooth and slick like…well, like a balloon, and the angle was getting steeper by the second. Grabbing Ethan's hand again, I whipped out Globber and flung him toward the maiam’s outstretched arm. He globbed onto the tip of one of its fingers, and I jumped, taking Ethan with me. Together, we swung across the gap between skyscrapers.

 

“Aaaaaaaahhhh!” Ethan screamed into my ear.

 

“That is the worst Tarzan yell I've ever heard!” I scolded him.

 

He pointed in front of us, and my head snapped around to see the maiam opening its mouth—while we sped right toward it!

 

“Ethan!” I yelled. “Pacification Protocol Ten!”

 

Ethan thrust his spellhammer out in front of him, which was glowing with a bright white light, and yelled, “Cogito et creo!”

 

A gigantic pacifier made of flames appeared in the air in front of us. It flew forward, straight into the maiam’s mouth, and a smell that reminded me of Uncle Junk’s shop whenever it caught fire filled the air. The maiam tried to cry out, but was successfully silenced by the giant flaming binky. It thrashed in pain, flinging me and Ethan higher up into the air.

 

“Nice one!” I told Ethan, un-globbing Globber. We began to fall back down toward the maiam again.

 

“What the hell is Pacification Protocol Ten?” he demanded.

 

“It’s when you stuff a giant flaming pacifier in the maiam’s mouth. Duh!”

 

“I only did that because you said the word pacify, Henry! What if I hadn't I hadn't been able to think of anything?”

 

“I knew you would. You always do!”

 

Ethan looked like he wanted to complain more, but luckily we landed on the maiam before he could. It had fully flipped over by now, putting us on its fat, gas-filled belly. The deadly pacifier had disappeared—Ethan has to concentrate to keep his spells active—but it sported a bunch of nasty looking burns all over its face now.

 

“Right,” I said, taking another puff from my inhaler. “This is getting old. Time to burst this guy’s bubble!”

 

Did you like that? I've been working on my cool one liners.

 

Drawing Splatsy again, I began to bounce on the maiam’s stomach, going higher with every bounce.

 

“Henry,” Ethan yelled after me, “you've already tried that! It doesn't work!”

 

“Sure it does!” I yelled back. “I just need…”

 

Boing!

 

“...to get a little more power…”

 

Boing!

 

“...behind it!”

 

And with that, I pulled out the third and final addition to my arsenal: my joy buzzer, Spazzy Basil. Using a little bit of magic, I stuck him onto Splatsy, merging them so as to unlock their ultimate final form: Splatzztsy! Don’t ask me how to pronounce that, because I’m pretty sure it’s not physically possible if you don’t have at least three tongues.

 

With my weapon suitably powered up to anime levels, I began channeling as much magic into Splatzztsy as I could. Spazzy Basil sucked up all of it, and bolts of lightning began to arc out of him with an ominous crackle. I bounced one more time, flying fifty feet up into the air, and raised Splatzztsy over my head.

 

“Shocking news!” I yelled. “Lobstrodamus Parade canceled due to unexpected lightning storm!”

 

Hey, I said I was working on my one liners, not that I’d perfected them.

 

I threw Splatzztsy as hard as I could, and she became a blur of brown and blue as she streaked through the air to slam right into the maiam’s nose. It howled in pain as electricity began to zigzag across its face…

 

Before Splatzztsy bounced right back and came flying toward me.

 

“Oh, pickles and—” I muttered just before she hit me square in the face.

 

Everything went dark.

 

The next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes, and my skull was wracked with pain. Splatzztsy was falling right beside me, giving me a look as if this had been my fault. At least she had used up all of her electricity on the maiam before deciding to wallop me.

 

“You,” I said, folding my arms, “are not pulling your weight in this relationship.”

 

Grabbing her out of the air, I pulled out Globber with my other hand, globbing him to the wall just in time to slow my descent before I made a Henry-shaped hole in the abandoned street below. As soon as my feet were on solid ground, I looked back upwards. Gasbag was still up there, almost level with the top of the skyscraper we had been on before this whole fiasco started. I could see flashes of light, which I took to mean Ethan was fending off the maiam on his own. I needed to get back up there. But first, I needed to come up with a plan.

 

Trust Henry Rider to bring a hammer to a balloon fight, the annoyingly logical voice in my head said, and I promptly slapped myself to make it shut up. That only reminded me of how badly Splatzztsy had messed up my face, though, so I pulled out my inhaler and took a good, long pull from my inhaler. The laughter inside—thank you, Grandpa Teddy!—immediately set to work putting my face back together. About half a minute later, the pain vanished, and I sighed in relief.

 

Then my foot lit up with pain.

 

“Oh, come on!” I yelled, kicking out at whatever had pinched me. A lobster went flying away to land in the street, its claws clicking threateningly. There were about a dozen of them crawling around, having escaped from a nearby float that had been tossing them to the crowd like candy. Ethan was right, I decided. Lobstrodamus was a stupid…

 

Claws!

 

A lightbulb turned on in my head. Running into the street, I grabbed two lobsters off the ground, and then whipped Globber back up into the air. He latched onto a building above me, launching me—and my two new lobster friends—up into the sky. I had to launch myself another two more times, but soon I was hundreds of feet above the ground again, and rapidly approaching the maiam.

 

“Hey, you overgrown bag of farts!” I yelled, streaking past its face. “You miss me?”

 

It turned to growl at me, and I winced. Splatzztsy hadn’t managed to pop it, but she had messed up its face even worse than mine. It reached one of its stumpy arms towards me, but one more swing from Globber put me back on his stomach alongside my friends.

 

“About time you got back!” Ethan snapped before blasting a beam of energy from his spellhammer. It mostly fizzled out before hitting the maiam—he’d been training with McGus for almost a year, but learning magic took a long time—but it still managed to give Gasbag a painful looking sunburn.

 

“We were worried,” Jade said, flashing over to stand beside me. “Ethan almost jumped off the maiam after you.”

 

I looked at her, my eyes going wide and my face turning blue. “He did? That’s so sweet of him! So…why didn’t he?”

 

“Because I stopped him.”

 

The butterflies in my stomach disappeared, and I began weighing the pros and cons of throwing her off the maiam. Before I could come to a decision, though, a shadow blocked out the sun, and I looked up to see one of the maiam’s hands descending toward us.

 

“Broccoli quesadillas,” I spat, and dove to tackle Ethan. We went rolling across the maiam’s belly, perhaps not as romantically as I would have liked but I’ll take what I can get. Jade didn’t even bother trying to dodge it, and her body was crushed beneath its gray, flabby palm with a flash of green light. A ripple spread out from its hand, throwing me and Ethan up into the air yet again when it reached us.

 

“JADE!” Ethan yelled, stretching his hand out toward where she’d just been.

 

“Oh, relax!” I snapped. I had just saved his life for the forty millionth time, and all he cared about was her. “She’s fine and you know it!”

 

“It’s the thought that counts,” Jade said, reappearing next to us with another green flash. She leaned over and gave Ethan a kiss on the cheek even as we kept flying upwards.

 

I glared at them, but of course neither of them noticed. I really needed to kill something. Luckily, I had come equipped to do just that.

 

Pulling out my two lobster buddies—I bet they would never steal the boy I loved from me—I quickly loaded them into Prinkle and Prunkle. Then, charging the twin Prankles cans with magic, I aimed them straight down at Gasbag’s still-jiggling belly, and fired!

 

The two magically charged lobsters flashed through the sky, their glowing, razor-sharp claws ripping straight through the maiam’s rubbery skin. Gasbag gave one final howl of anguish before it was sent rocketing across the city, all of its gas spewing out through the holes with a loud THBBBBBBT!

 

A few seconds later, it vanished, its body dissolving to nothing but bad memories and the lingering smell of unholy flatulence.

 

“There,” I said, holstering Prinkle and Prunkle and dusting my hands off. “Another job well done!”

 

“Uh, Henry?” Ethan said. “Good job and all that, but do you think you could…”

 

We began to fall.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” I said, digging the Escher Cube out of my pocket. “Hold on.”

 

I turned the Cube’s sides like the ancient stone Rubik’s Cube it resembled. We kept falling, but reality around us began to shift and slide to match the movements of the Cube.

 

“A little faster, Henry!” Ethan yelled as we rapidly approached the ground. Now that the maiam was gone, a small crowd was beginning to form in the streets to see what had happened.

 

“Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right,” I muttered to myself.

 

“HENRY!”

 

“And there we go!” I declared, snapping the last row into place. I gave the crowd, now less than twenty feet below us, a cheerful wave. “Happy Lobstrodamus!”

 

Then we all vanished in a burst of white light.